• Not for Everyone •

I’m not for everyone. Can my ego swallow this fact? Can I stay in my own worthiness enough to finally admit this to myself? I feel as though I’ve been running from this truth ever since I was a child. But, I am not for everyone. If you wish to live your life in half measures, you should avoid me. If you like telling yourself lies to get by, you should avoid me. If you cannot in any place inside yourself except that you are the entire universe, I may not be for you. If you try to outsource your pain to outside forces or people, I’m not for you. If you are a frantic being searching in doing for your salvation, you should avoid me. If your feelings scare you, you should definitely avoid me. Because sweet human…in front of a mirror is an uncomfortable place to sit if who you, unfortunately, believe you are, at your core, is uncomfortable. 

LOVE,

• Engage •

Can we get brave enough to fully engage with life? Not like they tell us to engage, with our actions, but allow ourselves to fall in. Surrounded by the things that we cannot change. Be brave enough to open our eyes and witness where we are and feel our feelings in real-time. Don’t allow anyone to tell you how to feel… You are the bleeding edge of reality. Just because someone reacts with fear towards your blurred edges, don’t let them dull your experience of life. Don’t reflect their reflection. Their reaction is only a shadow of them not allowing themselves to be a part of the whole that you are completely within at this moment. They are afraid that the abyss will swallow them whole, they don’t know any better. But you know different. You’ve been swallowed in the black and survived again and again and again. You no longer fear the dissolved boundaries, you understand what reality is because you are brave enough to feel it. And you will feel it again brave soul. Thank you for being alive.

LOVE,

• Bandaid •

So hard to stay awake when you are fearful. When someone I care about threatens my inner child I swiftly turn into a wrathful creature in order to protect her. I feel a deep triggered fight or flight response, more fight and flight. When I feel deeply rejected, unloved, misunderstood, or patronized I very quickly erect a stone wall out of control emotion and harsh biting words. I wish to completely overwhelm whatever was going on to make me feel that deep pain. I have witnessed others react to their own pain. Some similar to myself, some differences. Sometimes when threatened people will completely shut down and refuse to say or do anything else in fear of opening the fear any larger. Close it up and shut it away not to be felt again. I wonder still which way is better blowing everything wide open until the poison is bled out, or refuse to acknowledge its existence close up the wound and put a bandaid on it?

LOVE,

• Stories •

Lately I have felt that I have been set up through varying situations to realize something. I consider myself pretty adept at picking up on other people's vibes and non-verbal cues. Knowing this to be true I realized what a dangerous position I tend to put myself in when dealing with others. If someone says or does something that triggers me emotionally I filter through all information I have stored surrounding that person or experience at mach speed; formulating the most plausible story I can so I can explain the weirdness away and move forward. When I am in the middle of this process it must seem frightening since only (seemingly) disjointed fragments of this story get outwardly expressed by me. I make up the story so I can tie up the situation in a nice little bow myself. Even if the end result is negative I feel better because I have "figured it out". I understand now that when I do this I literally leave no room for the other people that may be involved in the situation. When I invite entire histories and projected futures into the space between me and the other person it is unfair. I cut the other out from making inputs of their own. I take all of the energy in the room to keep the story functioning. I think now reflecting that these stories I create take all of the energy to survive because inherently they are untrue. I cant have the truth if I don't have all of the information. This process has been unconscious, hopefully I will continue to shed light on it. All I ever truly want is the truth, and I think unfortunately I have been blocking myself from it. I vow to hold space for anyone I feel to create a story about when my buttons are pushed. The truth depends on their input much more than my own. Ultimately it depends on everyone's input, everyone holding space for one another.

LOVE,

• Infinity •

The evolution of the human race. Two individuals coming together to create a new individual (or a couple of new individuals). A physical amalgamation of the two individuals that created them. The genes, looks, and physical makeup blending into a new form. I don't think this concept stops there. I think nature is trying to experience every possible outcome; a mirror for the universal truth that we are all one. Created by your parents you are born with a personality distinctly your own. they first form a relationship each with distinct egos and spirits that challenge and learn from one another forming new outcomes. From this creative combination comes a child with their own spirit sent to challenge teach and learn with those they come in contact with. Each individual experiencing the world differently through their own eyes colored by their own spirit and egos coming into contact with others all branching out into infinite possibilities, into infinity itself. Perhaps the universe can only illustrate infinity tied to our linear time-bound reality perception.

LOVE,

• Patterns •

I am fascinated and terrified by patterns. On a micro-level all individuals behave out of them. Ways they act, ways they feel, ways they defend themselves repeated over and over again. On a macro level countries and religions and the ways they act, the ways they feel, and the ways they defend themselves. Repeated over. and over. again. Same reality different scale.

LOVE,

• Generalization •

I feel as though when others or myself overgeneralize something it comes from fear. When I become overwhelmed I will often make an overarching statement that I unconsciously hope will solve a conflict. As if this broad explanation, since it isn't specific must within it somewhere contain the specific answer I'm looking for. this only seems to happen when Im being threatened. I feel as though this concept can be applied to larger situations. For example when someone commits a horrific atrocity through inhumanity like mass murder. Because the concept seems so other it is very tempting to blame full groups to try and wipe out whoever committed such evil. the extreme fear wants our own perceived protection at perhaps even the cost of innocent lives. We are feeding through fear the evil we seek to eradicate. Instead, we must place our energy in asking why instead of reacting. If there is an illness spreading we must understand it and treat it at its source not catch it and carry it through to its own desired end.

LOVE,

* Noticed •

I've noticed that when I've tried to grasp and capture and force an idea into a box its true nature slips through my fingers. I've witnessed this feeling and even as I'm sitting here trying to define it in words what I mean is like trying to hold a bubble. The logic seems to make sense and then the thought drops off.  It feels as though there is something true just over the hill that we all know and yet most including myself that we don't automatically practice. We are told that we are separate that we are individuals we must assert ourselves set ourselves apart make our opinions known. force ourselves upon the world so that our egos can receive feedback that they still exist. I've realized that I have it backward. without following the common reactions of doing when experiencing, give the "other" space to exist. I find a lot of stress I create within and for myself when I wish for things to be different than I foolishly think I know they should be. things shift automatically positive when they are allowed. everything happens for a reason and is supposed to be.

LOVE,

• AHA *

It feels as though when I experience an epiphany or moment of enlightened clarity there is something familiar about it. It’s as if I should have known it all along. Most often I almost laugh because it seems so obvious. Maybe these familiar sparks are things that I have actually known all along. Maybe I have gotten distracted and forgotten some along the way, maybe some important ones. Maybe there is a point of view at the beginning of our existence in which we know everything. All of the pieces of the puzzle are in place, in fact, the puzzle doesn't exist at all at this point. It's just a beautiful complete picture. I think epiphanies seem familiar because they are the truth. Our soul. our complete picture self is asserting itself into reality.. or this reality of dispersed fragments. Reaching out to pull you back home. Causing you to laugh at yourself because the truth has been there all along, it's where you come from, and it’s where you will return.

LOVE,

• Collection •

Collecting all of the tiny moments constantly. How a word was said. A shift in someone's body language when another walks into the room. The way a voice raises when someone is trying to convince you of something. So many micro-instances to observe. Each on their own seems so small and insignificant. Imagine connecting each of these moments intimately with an intuition that derives meaning from every blink of an eye. An energy shift detector bent on instantly understanding. The body movement becomes a clear view of how the observed feels about the new arrival. The uttered word becomes connected to how that person feels. The higher voice inside opens a window into that person's intentions. Add a link to the chain... these tiny instances get deeper. but the rational brain still convinces you that these moments are still insignificant within the scope of their perception. But unbeknownst to this rational brain, the linked instances become unreachable filed away where only the intuition can reach them. The only way you know they still exist and hold meaning within you is when another similar moment occurs. It feels like a sharp "ding" within your gut, your intuition prescribes meaning once again to this new but familiar moment and it gets filed away with the rest. The moments don't like being kept hidden. If enough similar moments accumulate they come rushing to the forefront of your consciousness so that your rational brain is forced to take a look at what is wrong or right about the chain of moments. Address what your intuition has been shouting all along.

LOVE,

• Breath •

Mind racing. Reaching out. Searching in harsh pointed directions for the truth, for the solution. Forcing my attention outwards and forwards all around me. Looking for the one answer. To stop the seeking. To take one breath, one small step back into myself I feel and I know all at once. To know and to understand without separating the two. To be without trying to explain. To exist without any concept at all. To grasp the whole without closing my fingers around it, choking the life out of it. You cannot reach outside yourself to find and hold on to something that you are already, completely and totally. The concept of outside you can never contain you, because nothing is outside of you, the concept does not exist in the true reality. All exists within, without need, or understanding of separation.

LOVE,

• Unlimited •

In the physical world giving something to someone else means that it is no longer in your possession. However, we also talk about how giving to others brings about great satisfaction for oneself. How can that good feeling exist if we are giving things away? I believe that giving to others, especially giving oneself to others brings the giver happiness because everyone is part of one whole. So when you wholeheartedly give of yourself you are nourishing the true connection. No one can take your energy away from you without your consent. You are a limitless power connected directly to the source. If you consciously align yourself with this fact you can use yourself as a conduit, to flow love from the source through you into others. Giving love and energy to others doesn't take anything from you unless you believe that you are limited. It does take effort to remind yourself of the truth however once it clicks it cannot be stopped. the gate is open all you have to do is get out of your own way.

LOVE,

• Held High •

I believe that the scariest thing we can do as human beings is to live and speak our truth. to show the world who we really are behind the masks and the half conscious reactions that we hide behind. When we slow down and feel the weight of our own words and how they are connected to our heart only then are we truly living in the way the universe intended for us. This sacred act must remain a sacrament between our soul and our consciousness. Too precious and real to be tainted by any outside influences. When a thought or feeling is truly pure; to allow anything negative from outside to discolor it is tragic. Only thoughts and feelings formed inside should influence anything. If one of your pure thoughts or feelings are challenged by outside forces don't instantly react and retreat, even though this is one of the most painful experiences. Instead take in the experience and weigh it against your truth. Most often you will continue to hold your truth high.

Love,

• Control •

Humans’ creation of time is intrinsically linked to our illusion of control. Because we believe that events occur linearly moving forward we kid ourselves into thinking that we have order that we can influence. That we can predict and do things that have guaranteed outcomes within this structure. The idea of cause and effect. "If I act in this way or do this... then this will happen". the true reality is that all of time already exists. The way you are reacting to your environment now is tied to how the universe is reacting to you for all of time. It is formed as less of a line and more like an explosion with you as the epicenter. Whatever energy you wish to emit will be directly given back to you. the universe gives you what you ask for but not always in the limited linear way that we interact with it. Become more aware of your consciousness so that you can truly interact with reality.

Love,

• Influence •

Choosing how to behave with presence. Choosing how to react with patience. I see the more that I choose wholeheartedly to choose my actions the more I feel as though the world reacts positively to meet me. I can either behave, think, and feel out of pain hurt, or anger - being met with impatience insensitivity, or uncaring or I can take the power of my life into my own hands. Shape the outcomes of my life with mindful choice. It all comes back to me. Being aware of this gives me every chance to be the true creator of my destiny, not the false victim of circumstance. Blaming events or people gives my power away in a non-productive way. I will keep what is mine and use it for the most good in my life and the lives of others.

Love,

• Shadow •

The shadow. My shadow. The dark that trails behind but is always attached. As if it was separate from me, the me bathed in light and consciousness. The me I show the rest of the world, the only me Im comfortable showing myself. I wonder what my shadow consists of. It must be the parts of who I am I don't easily identify myself with. The parts that rear their heads, that are met with harsh reactions and drama from my ego. It doesn't wish to go there. But I do. Maybe my concept of my ego is a part of my shadow. Or when I completely "shut the door" on someone. Or when I form snap judgments and shut someone down with my sharp tongue. Or when I purposefully choose a word to wound another. Or when I talk bad about another because I am feeling threatened in some way. Maybe the strong powerful masculine side of me is a part of my shadow since I don't identify with it easily. Maybe my tendency to disengage from people when I become too energetically drained is a part of my shadow. Or my tendency to not even engage at all. Or the fact that I feel sometimes as if I know more when I really know nothing and could never know anything completely. Maybe my tendency to become completely self-absorbed and feel and act in such a way that only my perspective is the right perspective or even the only perspective and everyone must be thinking and feeling the way that I do. Or my training the conversation and energy of the room down my path of consciousness. With my inability to accept people’s own path, I wish for them to be further along in my limited view whatever that means. My inability to accept people and things as they are sometimes. But here I am trying to be aware, trying to accept this dark shadow into my heart since it is also me.

Love,

• Ready •

People only hear what they want to hear, or what they are ready to hear. People show up to others with their expectations for how the "other" will show up and respond. Its like we all write scripts for our lives and hand them to the other person to read from. And if the other person veers off script, which is always, the person who wrote the script reacts in such a way that almost directs the other back to the plot line, be that good or bad. It’s as if the script writer (it seems in direct correlation to how small or threatened they feel in the moment) demands the other person to play the role they wrote for them. Maybe it’s a safety thing. Maybe to the script writer how helpless they feel, as long as the other person behaves as expected, they have some semblance of control and power which is of course false. When I witness someone caught in this cycle or I reflect on my own behavior along these same lines. It’s as if the person caught in the grips has already seen the end result of whatever is going on. They have "flipped to the end of the story" and nothing anyone else says or does could change their mind. It’s as if they live in their own version of the Universe behind a veil that can be seen through...but not reached through unless the person behind the veil chooses to pull it back. I think this kind of situation occurs when we presume the unwritten roles we unwittingly ask those around us to play are being threatened and therefore the roles we feel safest in are threatened as well. Or put another way we foolishly assume that we fully comprehend another person when we are not mentally capable… which is a thought in and of itself that makes us feel tiny and control hungry. Accept. We are here to learn. That is what makes this Universe so beautiful.

Love,

• Shift •

Keeping a hold on my center no matter what. True soul connection is my biggest wish, however naturally while working towards this, emotions and energies get tangled up and confused. I filter the “others” stuff (still mixed with my own) and react to it all, the only way that feels natural. During this process (usually emotionally upset talking about how I'm feeling), something shifts. I still understand my own words, wishes I want to convey and feelings I want to share but I realize that there is much more going on here. which is often the reason I suspect that it is so hard for me to put words together and communicate the way I wish to. If feels as if my body and mind are like a radio dish, the dish doesn't turn off when my mouth opens. I’m still taking in all of the same signals I would if I was just observing, however now Im trying to reconcile the new information I prepared in my head before I started talking. Consciousness oscillating and causing confusion. Torn between finishing the thought I felt so strongly about just a moment before or addressing the shift of energy in the person Im speaking with. It seems in the moment of realizing their energy is just as big of a player as my own I feel their feelings even more intensely. I then want to address the entire energetic space between us as a whole instead of my stuff opinions and feelings and theirs. All I want is to understand on the deepest levels what is going on. Even though I know I can trust my intuition the smallest part of me needs validation from the other person. That they understand all of this and wish to address it with me, so we can both ride the wave together, instead of continuing to allow our egos to pull us into the foam. Dive into the peaceful depths together instead of fighting the current gasping for air separately.

Love,

• Content •

As a human being I am so blessed to have the capability of grasping contentment whenever and wherever I am. That even in the darkest of times, or the most overwhelming mental turmoil; the real truth is the steady calm, the pace that never fades and never will. The foundation of my soul and the souls of those around me, our souls, the soul. I think our tiny egos are so afraid of the truth, they kick and scream their existence, becoming so loud that we accept them as our reality. They do this because they know deep down that there is something more. A deeper… a calmer place, in which power in all forms does not exist, a place in which the ego’s games are not relevant and there is true power. Power without taking, comparing or lacking just being. I am this peace… and so are you.

Love,

• Accept •

Male: Forceful, powerful, straight forward, action, courage

Female: Peaceful, thoughtful, sensitive, protective, emotional

If I feel as though dualities don't exist in truth why is it so hard for me to reconcile this one within myself? I am all of these things even though they are traditionally placed into separate categories. Time to become comfortable with my true identity and not the identity dictated to me, or the identity most comfortable to me. Become more aware of my own negative reactions towards my instincts and accept them as they are.

Love,

• Evolution •

I would love an outsider’s point of view (preferably someone who I love and trust) on this but I’m going to try and map out my egoic evolution. So I am told I came into this world with a deep stare/questioning gaze. Silently but intensely studying the world around me. I grew into a shy little girl happy with the world I created in my own head, sometimes sweet sometimes serious to those looking in. I took everything seriously, very sensitive and emotional. I hated anyone to be upset or angry it made me feel bad as well. I tended to follow others who liked to be in charge, I tended to stay in the background but never did anything that I didn't believe in. As I grew up I started to realize that I could have a choice in what went on so I started to speak up. I never did it to put anyone else down but now when I started to notice things I would talk about them instead of just filing them away in my own mind. I would only do this with people that I loved and trusted but would revert back to keeping quiet and dealing with things in my own mind if I felt threatened. Because I tend to weigh situations carefully before they come out of my mouth and I often choose to put my own needs aside for the good of the whole, some people in my life started to label me as a pushover (often people who didn't know me that well). First labeled too sensitive, too emotional, then a pushover. In reaction to that, I have examined even further why I act the way I do. I have found a lot of words to explain the thoughts that I am thinking, I feel as though now I am constantly trying to explain my behaviors to others so that they understand that I am acting or reacting out of meaning. This comes off as a "strong" and sometimes preachy. I’m trying to be more aware of how I am truly coming across to others.

Love,

• Existence •

Sometimes I feel as though I almost don't exist except to take on other peoples thoughts feelings and energy into my own body and mind and dissect and examine these attitudes as if they were my own until unbeknownst to me these attitudes feel like my own; like they were mine all along. This causes a lot of confusion within me. When it happens I question who I am if I am so easily swayed. I pride myself on being mindful of myself and my thoughts actions and words and I think a lot. If my values are so hard-earned then why is it so easy for me to think differently when someone poses a new angle to a situation? I'm going to continue to go with my intuition on matters instead of my ever-changing mind, seems more trustworthy. Lean towards the things which my soul recognizes.

Love,

• Energy •

This is how I have always described my experience with energy. (love, passion, willingness, etc). "I will give and give and give without thought; allow seemingly small things to hurt me but forgive… until the point of no return. The proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. And then I completely withdraw in every way. Taking back the energy I had "lost". That was always my large-scale approach (unwittingly) to "my" energy. Now looking back on my life I have reacted this way a decent amount of times, and the manner in which I react like this lends itself to someone on the brink of annihilation. However, again, I have yet to cease to exist. Another pattern I have in regards to this is on a smaller and softer scale. Knowing this is how I tend to feel I sometimes act in a way that saves my energy at the front end. I will avoid people (often almost everyone) understanding that as soon as I allow myself to make contact with them I will cease to exist, which is not an overreaction but something I actually do. I become completely absorbed and in the middle of an interaction, even one filled with anxiety and sadness I am being energized (same with a joyful interaction they almost feel the same to me). The problem is afterward it feels as though my life force has been sucked out of me, and this may be an over-dramatization but I become very irritable, I can lash out and have a real need for solitude. Of which a time frame I normally don't wish to think about at this point. I know that the energy I have access to is not a limited resource. Since again by now I should have by now poofed into thin air if that was the case! And I think the answer to this pattern is keeping that fact in the forefront of my mind.

Love,

• Glimpse •

Seeing you in this light that I have glimpsed means letting go of the "real life" one-dimensional things I keep trying to tell myself I have control over. The same things seem to vanish into thin air as soon as I reach out to touch them. The same things my ego keeps trying to convince me that "I am" these tiny insignificant things that have never felt truly real to my heart but seem to so easily send me into a tailspin as soon as someone else threatens their existence. That knee-jerk reaction to defend those definitions of who we think we are. And if these things, rules, definitions I've placed upon myself were truly my very existence then I should have ceased to exist many times over. And you are most definitely the biggest vanquisher of these ideas of myself that I have ever encountered. But I am still here. It was so easy to blame the destroyer of my small but loud exclamations of "being" to defend "who I was" against the person who challenged those definitions at every turn. But I'm still here, existing so there must be some flaw within my reasoning. Logically I cannot be only those ideas of who I am, those opinions solely. I must be much more than that. I am the being that is capable of trying to define herself...not the definition. Thank you for helping me bring this process to the light.

Love,

• Vow •

I vow from this moment forward to stop trying to take other people's energy forcefully. By pushing my point, arguing, and becoming impatient with others I am just harming myself. To the same point, I vow not to shoulder others negative energy unwittingly, making it my own and hurting myself. The more aware I become the more connected I feel the more I realize what kind of love I am capable of.

Love,

• Back •

Looking back on my life thus far some of the most interesting moments stand out. Sometimes it's the moments of awe at nature or the vastness of it, or even the most simple expression of life, the quiet moments with another human being. Other moments that jump out at me are the ones that in the moment of experiencing them I was uncomfortable in some way. My way of being (what I imagine to be true) was being challenged. Sometimes the challenge was gentle, other times it was forceful. However, after these moments (sometimes after many years) I realize how important these moments were. They had allowed me to question why I was uncomfortable and access whether or not my reaction was something that I had consciously chosen. They allowed me to grow in knowledge and understanding. 

Love,

• Delivery •

Sometimes your "ability" to be happy sits in direct correlation with your undying need to be "right". Militantly trying to convince others of your truth doesn't lead to understanding. Actually, your method of delivery is usually the factor that controls whether or not you will be understood; not the other person’s intelligence, ability, or inability to grasp what you are trying to convey. Be mindful of yourself when speaking, and especially when trying to make a point. Always first ask yourself why the point has to be made.

Love,

• Relax •

It's as if the universe lays out the path for you when you stop trying to fight everything. When you allow everything and everyone to exist as they are the universe returns the favor. Now I need to remember when I am in the middle of an emotional reaction to look at it and let it exist. Instead of thinking before speaking, being before I speak, and being so others can be as well.

Love,

• This •

My entire life I've known that there must be more than this. Living for the next moment, striving to become something "more" than we are only to all end up dying. I've always easily connected to people and would feel so extra alive when someone or a group of people and I would talk about deeper things and connect on a level that not everyone achieves. I would see things in others that resonated with the deepest parts of who I was too, I can only describe it as soul. Now, this non-verbal "feeling" vibe way of life became who I was. It became my mission to achieve this state as much as possible, understanding it to be my truth. I saw how much power going to this level had and I wanted everyone I came into contact with to experience it with me. When I was younger it seemed easier to be this way, being one with what was around me and who I was with. But as I grew older things became cemented into more concrete definitions. I had to "set myself apart" "become someone" and my sense of oneness became something I was told I should be ashamed of. "I shouldn't give so much" "stop being a doormat" "focus on myself" etc. and there was a point in which I agreed with these statements. There was a voice in my head (an angry voice) that kept telling me that my need for connection was useless, I should think about my own energy and stop trying to show the world the other way of life that I had experienced. They wanted to live for themselves anyway so what did it matter? However, a large part of me felt guilty for giving in and letting go of who I thought I was. Now the difference between these states of mind and now is that I've realized how true both ways of thinking are. The reason I had always thought that I had to choose one or the other was that deep down I felt that there was a definitive end to who I was, that I was a finite being. At first a girl and a young woman defined by the wonder of something bigger than myself, who didn't believe that she existed unless she was connecting to something on that deepest level. Next turned into the cynical and spirited woman full of sarcasm and a quick tongue who had a logical answer for everything, ignoring the fact that she had a soul, who still sought to fit into the world that was still spinning madly around her. I had experienced both ways of being and still wasn't fulfilled. So what was the answer? It wasn't a way that I had to be or something I could do... But that I actually had to BE. Accept that all of it was me, and all that I am is so much more than these words can describe. There is no limit to who I am because I am intrinsically connected to everything. No more need for definitions.

And since this is who I am...it is also you.

Love,

• Nothing •

I was very overwhelmed today by the realization of how much I lose myself in other people. Mostly those that I care about, but also those that are not close to me. I’ve understood that I do this however today was especially hard. I don't have walls when I'm around most people. I allow them, their energy, their opinions, their body language, their feelings, their moods to become a workable identifiable part of who I am in that moment or my awareness. In these times it’s impossible for me to distinguish what is mine and what is theirs. I’m reacting to their reactions without words even being said. and I try and figure out how best to behave what to say etc. to make them feel better. I don't know why I automatically take this responsibility. only after an interaction am I completely exhausted and retreat within myself. I think I do this to see if I exist still, to check in with myself. In these moments I'm literally planning how to stay away from people for as long of a period as possible. I’m struggling to find the line of being an empathetic compassionate person (that is my personality) and keeping myself sane and healthy (which unfortunately because of the separateness, I associate with my ego). Maybe the definition of my personality is my ego as well and my effort in keeping that intact is exhausting me. all I know is that I know nothing...

Love,

• Synchronicity •

Maybe synchronicity is the universe’s equivalent to a sticky note left especially for you. It takes a special state of mind to even be aware of those moments of realness. When it starts it seems as though it's a wonderful avalanche of more and more things that keep seeming to fit so perfectly. Maybe the universe knows that we are on to it in the most beautiful way, and it is responding by laughing as it runs around the corner, seemingly staying just out of reach, in a game of hide and seek, but you know it's there, you can feel it's joy. This thrill of playing with it knowing it’s within your power to have it reveal itself, is what the universe wants for you. In this game, we all win.

Love,

• Give •

Treating the universe with compassion is the noblest thing I could aspire to I think. Giving the love back to it which was given by the universe to me. Accepting all that is. Accepting all that is within me. 

Love,

• Or •

A lot of times I find myself thinking in dichotomies. Something should be either this way, or that way, black and white. You either love or you don't. This kind of thought process aligns itself with a more angry forceful state of mind with me. I find myself thinking this way when I become frustrated and lose patience, I form snap judgments hoping the snap solves a problem. But whatever I seem to say I never seem to get anywhere. I'll say one thing one day or moment, aware of what I'm saying, and the next time the "rule" doesn't hold any water. I know this and now I'm questioning the purpose in trying to definitively define anything. When I'm at my best in my opinion I'm open-minded and don't form judgments at all, living in a beautiful state of shades of gray and allowing what is to be. I've been told that I'm wishy-washy and I revert into the less preferred method of having forceful opinions that always are proven wrong no matter what. Time to stop the madness and allow, this awareness is here to teach me.

Love,

• Maybe •

Maybe the pain isn't the other person letting you down, or not trying hard enough. Maybe those feelings we feel are sadness that we are deciding that we aren't strong enough to keep trying harder. Don't feel full enough to give anymore. We are letting ourselves down by not living up to the potential for honesty that we all want, sometimes without knowing it.

Love,

• Sadness •

... Is admitting that something touched your soul.

Love,

• One •

I've always had a distinct feeling of oneness ever since I can remember. I have a very real belief that everything in the universe came from the same place. I don't pretend to know what that place is, if it is a being or just an energy, but to me none of that matters. it's the idea of one. Not of one separate from myself but my source, and the source of all I feel connected to, which is everything. The older I get and the more words I collect from my existence the more I feel that this world is a fractured whole. I see and feel so much consistency in the way that people react to one another and even more sameness when people find the strength to explain how they feel and what motivates them. I'm trying my best to focus on my similarities with others, and I'm realizing that the core of who I am resonates with the core of who others are. When understanding occurs it feels to me as though we are sewing back together our society one tiny understanding at a time.

Love,

• Ascetic •

Does contentment spiritually beget stagnation physically (of this world)?
I suspect I might be using this as an excuse but sometimes I feel as though the more spiritually aware I am the less capable of being physically capable and present on earth. Can I have both?
No wonder there have been monks and nuns for thousands of years.

Love,

• Pain •

I had a thought/ realization today. I think pain is just an allusion. Anger is a manifestation of fear which is a reaction to perceived pain. I thought about my own experience with pain and how I come across to others. I've always been very emotional and can cry at the drop of a hat. I can reach deep inside and express what I am feeling. I've watched others since I was very young react to me in this state and I see different things. Some people try to comfort me right away, some people remove themselves from my presence, some react with almost disgust. I always felt like there must be something wrong with me because I react so differently to the world. All of these reactions others had seemed to solidify the point that crying was strange, foreign, dramatic, and something to be avoided. Good friends even would ask me why I was so emotional, even in situations that "shouldn't" be a big deal. I would question why things affected me so much. When I was younger I would try and fight my instinctual urge, try to be "strong" but it never seemed to work, (probably because the connotation of strong wasn't the opposite of what I was feeling, weak was the last thing I felt when I was emotional) and it was uncomfortable for me. All of these different things people would tell me about how I was coming off took precedence over how I felt. I'm realizing that crying gives me many different advantages. It's not always about how I am feeling but it may be about how someone else is feeling, it allows others to put their walls down with me so we can connect on a deeper level, but most often it's happening because I have something to say and I want the thought out of my body and into the universe for real, no pretenses or lies to myself. It's the easiest way for me to be truly real. While the rest of the world is looking in on me worried that I'm depressed and falling apart I'm feeling energized and refreshed even right in the middle of it. I’m looking at what may or may not be holding me back in terms of pain and fear and letting them go in the most natural way that I know how. I know it overwhelms others and is not something that is taught to be good but I find peace in it. The act of me physically letting go of pain renders it powerless in my life. It makes me wonder if pain even exists at all if the act of crying brings me happiness. People look at crying as the manifestation of pain but if sadness is the worst emotion we can feel in regards to pain, we live in a pretty beautiful world and should truly have nothing to be afraid of.

Love,

• Mirror •

I think people can only treat others the way that they treat themselves. We all experience life through our own experiences. Our own genetic makeup mixed with our environment. Since we all look at the world differently I think the way that we treat those around us says a lot about how we view ourselves. If a child is treated with anger when they did something wrong that child could grow up to feel as though they are a failure. This feeling becomes a part of what they think of themselves. When this person grows up and perceives that someone around them or especially someone that they care about is "doing something wrong" in their eyes that person is going to react in anger, the only way they know how to react. If someone grows up believing that emotion is weakness, when that person is faced with emotion they are going to retreat or try to shut it down because they were never taught how to deal with it. I believe this is why all relationships are so hard. We are put into each other’s lives for different reasons, to challenge one other to become better people. Often these challenges are the exact weaknesses that we punish ourselves for, and therefore get an emotional reaction from us when those who are close to us show us the mirror.

Love,

• Talk •

The world is a miracle. We all just talk at each other. Conversations occur someone speaks out of their own pain, experiences, and perspectives. The receiving person instead of listening to the source of the words hears only what sets off their own alarms. So each person is speaking at the other without hearing the truth. People raise their voices at one another desperately seeking validation for their own issues, ignoring the issues of the person in front of them.  The worst part is most people don't realize where their words are coming from unless forced to look at it themselves individually. The only way to fix this disconnect is to be aware of it before a conversation or conflict, examine ourselves and our motives, and after a conversation put ourselves in the other person’s shoes for understanding. By examining the other person’s point of view we can always learn something. I'm so happy that what little positive we take from what other people said is taken because it's so exhausting to watch or be a part of.

Love,

• Cry •

I think crying has always been an outlet for me. I treated it as a way of allowing myself to feel and communicate for real. I think another reason is it allows those around me to put their walls down so I can communicate with who they really are. It allows for a more intense connection. I've been told it's very overwhelming and draining to be around but I'm finally able to accept it in myself. It's a strength not a weakness that I have.

Love,

•• Judge ••

When I first meet someone I do judge them completely. I see how they behave and the mask that they show to the world. However, I feel something else, the person under the surface. I decide the more I'm around them if they are worth the effort. Since I can feel the person they are, most often I decide they are worth it. I can feel the pain, the fear, and the sadness behind their actions to varying degrees, since I easily get to the source I always give people the benefit of the doubt in the beginning. Friends and family have told me that I shouldn't always do this because I tend to get hurt easily by people. I think the problem is that in the beginning my intuition gives me a clear view into the soul of who the person is, but along the way the clarity fades. The more completely soul-connected I become to another person the more my emotions get tangled up with theirs because of who I am. Their pain becomes mine and my own pain causes fear within me. Down the line, it's hard to think with your soul and intuition while you are feeling threatened. I think the trick for me is to listen to myself more, remember that I saw them for who they are, and chose to have that in my life. Everyone deserves every chance in the world. The more I grow I hope the more I'm capable of forgiveness. I’ve seen in my life so far the more I choose love the happier I am.

Love,

•• Original? ••

Sometimes I think about where I am right now; emotionally, spiritually, logically, physically, and I wonder. Am I really thinking differently than those around me? We all feel like we are so separate from one another sometimes, so "original" in thought and feeling… Is this reality? Is the mental state I am in really that different from someone in my same position thirty years ago, or someone close to me? Sometimes patterns just reveal themselves. Everything is starting to feel so familiar. I believe that on this planet, we are fated to repeat patterns until we figure out what we are here for. Each of us individually, affecting the entire collective. Sometimes I think the path of rebellion is just as paved as the path of conformity. And it is all going back to the same place so it’s time to relax into it!

Love,

•• Share ••

Constant negative tape player in my head and the heads of those around me. Thinking searching thinking, searching, doing, never being. Never good enough to be for my head and my ego. Always something or someone else is needed to be happy. If I just... I'll be happy, never happens! and we wonder why our world is so messed up. None of us are alive. We blame the external for our problems while telling ourselves that we aren’t good enough. Play the victim yet victimize ourselves from within. Stop thinking. Stop the pattern. Be. We all come from the same place all searching for the same thing. Stop thinking about it, searching outside yourself for the answer, and become it. You are the universe experiencing itself become your own answer divorced from the limits of time and your mind. You are limiting yourself. Everything that has happened or will happen IS. connect back to the truth, feel love, and share it.

Love,

•• Reactions ••

Everyone is just an open wound. All reacting to how people treat them, what they are told by others and who they are told to be. It's crazy to me that society expects people to live for themselves, when even down to our very existence we are the joining of many people before us. We need to stop thinking that when someone who isn't us succeeds or receives something we don't that this makes us less of a person. There is more power in appreciating people for who they are. I believe that because we are connected their power and light is ours if we could just quiet our egos and care about those around us. Knowing this as my truth to my very core makes it difficult for me to live only for myself. But as soon as I give my all to someone on the surface it is too much for them. This is my own ego talking but I rarely feel as though people seek to give all of themselves soul wise to those around them. So now I find myself acting out of fear expecting those around me to break through these walls I've built because "I'm worth it." So in public for me it feels as though we are all floating around projecting pain, fear, and putting up walls energy wise while in reality we are all really hurt and sad, but hopeful children looking for someone to fix us. But the worst part for me is that no one faces this ever. They just medicate and put on acts for everyone else, that they are happy and satisfied when I feel as though it isn't the truth, because I know it isn't. People tell me I come off too guarded, "need to lighten up" "smile" "put the wall down" etc. sometimes I feel as though as soon as I open the gate I'm going to run into their walls. But maybe my power is being able to deal with that.

Love,

•• Answers ••

I'm constantly searching for answers. When I wake up when I'm doing other things when I fall asleep and I suspect especially when I'm asleep. The constant pressure to find truth and the right answer, whatever that means. Sometimes I feel as though there is no such thing as truth. Time to stop and trust my higher self. The answers don’t lie in the mind.

Love,

•• Balance ••

…is a hard thing to come by. I find myself constantly compensating in one way or another in my search for "truth." Doing what is "right" within my value system and others' perceived value systems. It probably seems to others that I am wishy-washy and overly emotional the way I act towards situations however there is an extensive mental logic process that I am digesting in my head, constantly, that I have a hard time expressing to those around me. I feel as though these thoughts if expressed may seem crazy to others and most often they are complicated because they are based not only on logical facts but more often on my intuition and feelings about a situation/person. Egotistically I try to keep this constant struggle out of sight of those around me so that I come off more "effortless" than I feel. However, that facade breaks down around those that are truly close to me. When the wheels come off I am most often met with confusion and exasperation; called things like, "draining" "manipulative" "crazy" "overly emotional" "dramatic" and I retreat back into my head again beginning the cycle once more. And I logically understand that my will to hide my true thought process from those I love may be my undoing and is what my loved ones are reacting to and not me as a person, however, I don't know how to break this cycle without unraveling myself.

Love,

•• Always ••

We are all looking for the same thing. Love. You can boil down anyone's thoughts and actions into seeking love.  People just get stuck along the way.  Stuck medicating their pain with thoughts, actions, or things when the only thing that will cure them is love. In our society we all think that every person is for themselves. We all chase the elusive carrot our entire lives. We live to fulfill our ego; we feel empty and are told; if you "if you just finish those monkey bars" " if you just pass that test" " if you just get that scholarship" " if you just get that degree" " if you just land that job" " if you just marry that man"... You will be happy, and yet here we are. None of us fulfilled by any of it and only a few of us even wonder WHY. If you don't believe that you exist for a reason higher than yourself, then you don't exist for any reason. It is the most basic self fulfilling prophesy. Love doesn't exist in your life without you creating it, choosing it, and playing an active role in it and it isn't complete without others.  However the power of love lies within yourself. If you expect love to come looking for you it will never be a part of your life in any form. You need to give it to get it, and the giving is where real fulfillment and joy lies. Everyone on this planet acts out of fear that they are not worthy of love, or of being rejected by others who were supposed to love them, supposed to fill them up with love. However everyone is on their own journey and love lies within us given to us by the universe to share with those around us from within us, not without. No one is here to make your journey easier we are all in different stages of our own journeys but we are all made of the same things, searching for love and it begins with truly loving yourself, so you can love those around you. Only then will this world find peace.

Love,

•• History Repeating ••

Everything that we experience is others reacting to what they have experienced in the past. Instead of realizing and accepting this fact people continuously allow their emotions to "cloud their judgment,” (in the words of someone who finds comfort in logic alone). However, what people don't realize is that your emotions are the key to the truth. If you are reacting emotionally to something, some word, or someone… it is out of your rational control. This mechanism is highlighting something important in your psyche that you are not allowing yourself to take a look at, because it is causing you harm in some way. This "harm" is a reaction against preconceived notions of who you are or what you want to become. Things said or done in the past affect who each of us is today. Things our partners, parents, and friends have gone through are continuously projected onto all of us causing confusion. Everything and everyone is connected whether or not we can admit it or not. The only way peace is achieved is by facing these triggers to our emotions looking into the past through the present to understand WHY these feelings arise. Only through this exploration can we truly understand one another, so we can understand ourselves.

Love,

The Why…

These “musings” are journal entries I’ve written myself. A mix of poetry, random thoughts, and a lot of navel-gazing straight from my higher self. I wanted to share some of my thoughts and conversations that I have with my deeper self since I ask such personal questions of my design clients in my interior design process.

I hope through reading these you can see a little bit of yourselves too.

Love,