Interior Design as Couple’s Therapy
Interior Design as Couple’s (or Roomate) Therapy
Ok so you have great taste and know just what you like but what about your partner? Are you worried that your fellow decision maker is going to mess all of your dreams for your environment up?
If this is the case we are going to need to so a little bit of inner work! This is the perspective of a designer who has worked with countless clients, couples, and roommates!
If you feel like you and your partner, spouse, roommate or family are out of sync in regards to the creation of a new environment for all of you, then read on, I think you will find this process a lot more fun when you get some perspective.
Think of this as your own Design couple’s therapy exercise!
You and those that you love can both have a home that reflects who each of you are! Design is a much more intimate process than many people realize. The creation of your environment is something that everyone deserves to have a say in. If you are the “leader” of your project be honest with yourself. Are you allowing the rest of the household and decision makers to make their creative voice heard in their environment? Or because this project is “the most important” to you you are pushing your own design agenda? Trust me, if you are not open to your loved ones when embarking on a new creative project, you are shooting yourself in the foot. Without listening first you WILL miss new and beautiful perspectives that could actually align deeper with your own design goals!
This shouldn’t be a stressful process. With some planning and compromise you can focus on the shared loves, and create a home that’s uniquely yours, together open to all the gorgeous possibilities out there.
I know how this works because even I, someone who does this professionally, must compromise with my own partner.
And my ego has learned to enjoy it haha!
My own clients, pretty much every project, tell me how they know that their style and their partner’s style do not mesh with one another’s right off the bat. Then often one half of the equation bows out of the process entirely because they don’t want to deal with the drama of fighting for their way with their partner. Then the person that removes themselves resigns themselves to living in an environment aligned to someone else and will often take back some of their power passive-aggressively when it comes time to purchase the furniture! I since the beginning of my career have tried to head this off at the beginning of the design process.
I’ve worked with enough couples and roommates to know that there is always common ground when it comes to design. Give all the parties involved the respect to join in on the conversation you will be pleasantly surprised. If someone says from the beginning that they don’t care and this isn’t important to them, try and get them to join in in some capacity. Everyone living in the space that we are re-creating needs to have an energetic stake in it. If someone else creates it for them without asking their opinion, or someone opts out of the process, that person will always be at odds with the new energy that we created for the environment. And everyone deserves to be in alignment in their own space.
By opening yourself up to your person’s opinion you will discover a more custom path to your own unique style together. It’s easy at the beginning of the process to think that you know exactly what you want for you. But no matter how much homework or design knowledge you have on your own… you don’t know everything!
Let’s say that the person that you need to work with is your husband (wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, roommate, friend, human etc.). They tell you that they don’t care too much about this process, that as long as you are happy they are going to be happy.
Ok beautiful sentiment right? But let’s put this back on you. You married (chose to live with, are dating, like as a friend etc.) this person, who you love and respect and look up to in many ways. Now you are trying to create the ideal environment for you and them… Don’t you want their opinion? Don’t you want them to feel as at home in your home that you do? Of course you do! You love their ideas thats why you married (lived with, dated, etc.) them!
Now back to the other person or people, on the outside it’s sweet that they want to “give” you this creative project….”as long as you are happy” in the end. But to me (and you), underneath that it feels as though they don’t want to engage with something important to you, something that you feel should be important to them too, the creating of your home together.
Give them permission and also ask them to engage with this process because it’s important to you (and because you know their expression in their environment is deeply important to their wellbeing too). If you are the other person or people, engage, learn about yourself and your person or people and have a little fun together, take some ownership over your creativity and your collective creativity together.
By seeking to learn and plan with your person you can discover new things that maybe you haven’t ever even looked at before. When two (or more) people are engaged in a creative pursuit magic happens. When playing with new concepts together really fun things happen that you may not expect. By listening to how the person that you love (or like) is orienting themselves to new things that they don’t normally engage with you will learn new ways of looking at things. You too will learn new things about your own aesthetic and yourself more deeply, no matter how well versed in design you are.
Going through the design process together will teach you new things about your process too. When you allow and listen first instead of defending your own ideas and taste, you will see things that you haven’t seen before. You will realize things that become increasingly important to you as you open up and see from the new perspective that you have introduced. And the same always goes for your partner as well. People always learn new things about themselves and their significant others.
If you force your own style on your partner without asking what they like or take their word for it when they tell you that “it doesn’t matter and they don’t really care”, you are at risk for alienating your partner in your own home, or never creating the home you truly want to begin with.
So ok Catherine... we are supposed to work together… but how the heck are we supposed to do it for real?!
No worries! I outlined the steps that people living together can take to co-create a beautiful environment below!
Couples therapy exercise:
(or roommate, friend, family etc.)
Figure how each of you would like to live individually.
Without judgment allow everyone involved to think about what they really want. Stay general here. Think about the space and how ideally you want to live and what you wish to experience in here. Think about how to best accomplish these goals in this space. Write out descriptions of how you envision using this space ideally and how you would like to feel in here. Name yourself three adjectives that describe your perfect environment. For example like: Bright, Comfortable, Classic.
See where your lifestyles line up and focus on that.
Now share with one another. Share these adjectives and feelings with your partner and your reasons for choosing them! Have each other read aloud their environment description to one another. When someone else is talking about how they want to feel in their environment, take notes. When someone else says something that resonates with you (even if you didn’t write down the same words) make a note of that. Then share with each other what notes you took responding to each other’s vibes, and see where your feelings for this new environment are in alignment with one another. Use these thoughts of shared feelings to be the deeper inspiration for your design project! You will be using this deeper feeling mission statement as a guide post for these further steps.
What feelings do you want to evoke individually, where do they line up, and don’t…
Now look at the edges. Those things didn’t resonate with the whole group. Are these still things that are interesting and could be incorporated in the new environment? How can we shift the messaging into alignment with everyone? This is where you discover great contrast and individuality in real spaces. But if there are feelings that come up that are concerning for anyone else, have a conversation about it. See if in that you can find some common ground. If not compromise and go back to the common ground you first found and focus on that.
Encourage research.
All decision-makers should create their own design boards, react to their own design magazines and pick some pieces that they would each love to live with on their own. Everyone needs to get involved in illustrating their own creative vision. When collecting images always go back to the main feelings that you outlined together. If your partner has inspired you in some way so far think about how you can incorporate some of the elements that you know they love too in the images that you are collecting yourself! If there are things that are deeply important to you make sure to share these details with the other people involved.
• If you need help with this project and you don’t know anything about design styles start here.
• If you know a little bit about design and are now ready to explore your design aesthetic.
• I also have youtube videos on both if that’s more your speed!
Figure out what colors you each love individually, see where you agree.
Just like the rest of these tasks, study on your own, then reveal what you discovered about yourself with the other decision-makers! See if there are any colors that overlap for the both of you. If not no worries, there are always neutrals. When looking at your design research determine how much color is used in the spaces and what colors are showing up for each of you. Let’s say you love the warm side of the color wheel and your partner loves the cool side! Is there a color that you both love like bright green, or can you do a mostly neutral space with a rug that incorporates some warm and cool colors? There is always design overlap, you may just have to be more creative! Tip: often you uncover your own color palette unwittingly by collecting your design inspiration. See what colors keep showing up in your images. If you need more help here is my post on discovering your own color palette. Another helpful article I have on color is color psychology if you would like more!
Deal breakers… what do you each hate, respect these lines.
Like everything else I recommend listing these in your individual research before sharing with each other. But if your partner forgets that they hate something, don’t chastise them. This is a new process to most people who start on a new design project!
This is where mutual respect comes in. If someone shares how much they loathe plaid, for example, don’t then insist that the space be wallpapered in a tartan! Life is about compromise. If you love and respect each other, boundaries need to be respected here. However, this doesn’t mean that someone can go down the list of someone’s loves and tell them that they hate them all! This is a blending of two or more aesthetics, everything in the space is not going to be your favorite! (And if it was it would often be much more boring and less inspiring than if it wasn’t!)
If that’s the life you want you should live alone.
Sorry for the tough love.
Keep an open mind!
Share all of your inspiration with one another! See the complete room images that your partner chose and see if your aesthetic fits in too somewhere. It is this organic blending of inspiration that will help you to create a home that is truly yours together, and not a space that you’d find in a furniture catalog… (can you say YAWNNNN). This process creates the creative and inspiring difference between a DESIGN AESTHETIC, and “Design Styles” (which are just marketing tools and have no soul).
Thank your partner for helping you to think outside your own box!
• These couple’s therapy questions really help you and your person(s) get on the same design page together!
Storytime…My partner and I love polar opposite color palettes. He is drawn to really warm colors like terra-cotta and orange whereas I am solidly in the midnight blue and dark green territory. However, since my partner also loves lots of wood and warmth through materials we’ve reached a compromise of warm wood furniture mixed with some of my colors and neutral bright backgrounds. This way both of us feel seen and comfortable in the home we made together!
Let me know if you guys found these “couple’s therapy activity” tips helpful. I would also love to hear how you all engage with your partner or roommate on your interiors if you are up for sharing!
Thank you so much for reading.
When engaging with this process remember…
Love,